[ he's not sure what to be more impressed by, the fact that diluc can still flawlessly play the fiddle despite having given up lessons for his increasing responsibilities even before his four year sojourn, or the fact that he's somehow managed to be able to find the recording function on his phone.
just kidding, it's definitely the latter. there's no surprise in diluc being a prodigy at anything he sets his mind to, but mastering the basics of technology after only six months? how did he even know the phone could record and send sound anyway? suspicious.... ]
An audio recording that isn't the sound of your pocket because you accidentally sat on your phone again? Who is this and what have you done with Diluc? [ he's only half-joking.... ]
[ listen. just because he sent kaeya no less than five recordings from the inside of his pocket, it doesn't mean that he's incapable of learning! either way, he'll tap back something quick. ]
Good question. Shall I send you another one to prove my identity?
[ so dry... ]
I'm not completely illiterate with technology, you know.
Ah, but how would I know it's the dulcet tones of your pocket I'm hearing? You ought to send me a photo instead just to be sure.
[ fellas is it gay to ask your sworn brother to send you selfies for your collection.... ]
My, I would never insinuate that our illustrious uncrowned king would be anything less than capable of whatever he gets his hands on. Have you managed to figure out how to silence the shutter sound yet, by the way?
Weren't you the one complaining about that the other day?
[ his horrible pocket music, that is. ]
And absolutely not.
[ he says this, but there he goes sending one anyway. it's about 60% diluc and 40% background. he's at the market, seems like. and today? he's switched out his regular attire for something decidedly more red, chains and all. there isn't so much as a hint of a smile on his face to anyone else who might be looking, but this is kaeya he's sending it to. even in the questionable lighting, there's a minute crinkling at the corners of his eyes. ]
Have you figured out how to delete that picture yet?
[ you know, that one from the post? never mind that he isn't answering that. (it's a no.) ]
Complain is a rather harsh way of putting it, isn't it? I prefer to think of it as a simple request to at least make your pocket sound more interesting if I'm constantly being regaled with them.
[ but oh boy, does he regret his demand for visual evidence now as diluc's photo comes in and he promptly drops his phone on his face. clearly he hasn't fully recovered from his mortal injuries yet, because all of a sudden he's pretty sure he's about two seconds away from a heart attack??? he can't believe he's going to die a second time this month from heart failure???
luckily he manages to hang on to life with his fingernails just long enough to make a dozen copies of that photo and save them all, but that pause between messages sure is lasting an awful lot longer than usual.... ]
Rather fancy attire for a trip to the market, hm? Don't tell me you broke the laundry machine again.
[ no, he is never going to forgive or forget that time diluc ruined half his clothes because he didn't realize that putting spiky metal things into the wash and using hot water for colors was a bad idea.... ]
Of course I have! Don't you trust me? [ he absolutely has not. ]
Is it? I'll be certain to shut it off the next time I'm about, pending any reasonable suggestions.
[ he will absolutely do no such thing. it's such an empty threat. anyway, he'll be making his way back from the market now. it isn't a very big town or anything, so it shouldn't take too long. he might not have found the exact set of spices that kaeya prefers, but he's certainly gotten him something else as well. ]
I did no such thing. Lark delivered it some time back, so I figured I would get use out of it. [ seems pretty simple, right? and, totally oblivious to kaeya's crisis because it's just an outfit(???): ] There's nothing fancy about it.
[ it's old? ]
I suppose you'll have no trouble showing me then.
[ he absolutely trusts him, but not when it comes to embarrassing photographs. ]
And miss an opportunity to snap a picture of a weird bird because you were too busy fumbling for the power button? Perish the thought.
[ it is a totally empty threat and they both know it, but also how dare diluc even suggest cutting off a line of communication for kaeya to annoy him! what will he do in his convalescence if he can't bother diluc every waking second, focus on healing? sounds awful. ]
D, you of all people have no basis or taste to declare what's fancy and what isn't. [ seriously, one of diluc's 'casual' outfits probably costs as much as an average person's entire wardrobe. ] How did you even manage to play the fiddle with all those chains dangling about?
[ and more importantly, does this mean diluc was just playing it in his incredibly striking outfit just out in public? being under house arrest because of silly reasons like 'needing to regrow his heart' is truly the worst! ]
How can I possibly show you something which no longer exists? Really, be sensible.
The documentation of native species is a worthy pursuit.
[ but, not talking to kaeya throughout the day? sounds terrible. he wouldn't know what to do without him constantly bothering him. he still doesn't. the rawness of his temporary absence still sits beneath diluc's skin like a darkening bruise. ]
Considering that, I suppose you'll have to suffer it.
[ anyway: ]
There's nothing wrong with my sense of taste.
[ there are many things wrong with it. but, maybe? possibly? yes. he was out in public testing this lovely violin from the merchant in exchange for a bottle of maple wine. have to assess the durability and the quality, you know? ] And easily. A coat and gloves are made to be removed, K.
[ rip kaeya having to imagine him undoing all that and leaving it in the hands of some stuttering vendor. ]
I learned a new bit of information today. Each image in your "gallery" is immediately dated. It should be a simple matter of scanning all the way back.
[ if it's absent there? it's probably absent. rip him not knowing about folders. ]
The birds here aren't a native species, they're a mutation. And probably diseased.
[ are they going to talk about the week where kaeya was awake for maybe all of an hour total across five or so days and couldn't harass diluc about his sartorial choices? nope, absolutely not. he'll hide behind ugly birds as an excuse to have an instant line of communication to him, much as he hates them. ]
Says the winery owner who prefers grape juice over his own wares. I must admit I'm surprised though - and here I thought you'd perish before revealing a centimeter of skin to your adoring masses. [ he's not sulking at all that diluc will just casually remove his gloves at anyone's bequest, of course not. ] Did you at least get a discount for your show?
[ nope, definitely not sulking in the least. ]
Look at you, mastering the nuances of technology so quickly! And they say old dogs can't learn new tricks. Well, you're free to dig all you'd like, I'm as clean and innocent as newfallen snow.
[ because as someone who hails from a far more technologically advanced nation and works primarily in intelligence gathering, he'd figured out how to make invisible folders his first week here. no one will ever discover his massive collection of candid shots of a certain bartender turned vigilante! all he has on his phone are extremely aesthetic selfies! ]
Considering our most recent inhabitants, I'd be willing to wager they're as native as they come.
[ you know, with the demons and such. they're also definitely not diseased? at least, as far he knows. but, they're definitely not going to talk about it. he already x cried more than once this month. if he cries any more he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to stem it when he wants again.
anyway, that's an old argument. he may or may not be rolling his eyes. ]
Hmph.
Flatterer. I've no such thing. [ also, if kaeya wanted to see some skin he could just ask? he already takes off his coat and gloves in front of him. never mind he doesn't sleep with those on? ] And layers are practical; I see no need to remove them unless it's required.
[ never know when you need extra warmth or protection, kae! ]
Of course not. I offered a fair exchange.
[ he was definitely offered one, but he refused... such a gentleman. ]
Sure.
[ look he doesn't know that and look who isn't taking the bait and calling him on it... amazing. ]
[ this is an extremely dumb argument that they've had multiple times where no one will ever win, but also kaeya will die before he ever lets anyone get the last word in. a fact that diluc must be well aware of, so really it's a testament to his masochism that he continues to indulge him like this. ]
Did you just 'hmph' at me? Through text?
It's not flattery if it's true! And there's nothing practical about that outfit. You can just admit you like being mysterious...and that you burn to a crisp at the slightest hint of sun.
[ diluc's delicate nobleborn skin definitely needs a lot more protection than kaeya's.... ]
Right. And what's a fair exchange in your words, again?
[ this better not be like that time kaeya sent him grocery shopping and he spent all their funds on a single banana!! ]
They're certainly a reflection of what this town is, if nothing else.
[ a hellhole! but, it doesn't matter because kaeya is here and he'll happily have this stupid argument over and over again if it means that he can keep him by his side. ]
What of it? Shall I record it for you instead?
[ digging his own grave... dwbi. ]
We'll call it a generous interpretation, then. And it's hydrophobic and pyro retardant without compromising movement. It serves its purpose.
And I don't "burn to a crisp."
[ he just becomes as red as a flaming flower stamen after about fifteen minutes of direct, harsh sun. he maybe tanned a little for once in his life when he traversed through the deserts of sumeru after he acquired second degree burns first. ]
A bottle of maple wine. [ and then, he appends: ] Don't worry yourself, I took from the younger batch.
Edited (whoops missed a word in there lol) 2023-03-29 01:28 (UTC)
Oh? Is this you finally admitting that your bird is a hellion escaped from the nether realms?
[ much like a certain cavalry captain in fact...wait, is this why diluc keeps tolerating his blatant attempts to push all his limits? because he reminds him of a mutated feral demon bird? ]
It would certainly save you some time. Every time you feel like lecturing me, you can just send the recording over instead.
[ and every time kaeya feels like doing something stupid, he can play the 'hmph' on loop to encourage him further down the path of mischievous dumbassery! truly a win-win scenario for him. ]
Considering the color and that you must jangle with every step, I assume the purpose is the catch the attention of anyone within a fifty meter radius. In which case, you should definitely unbutton a few more layers to help you out.
How much younger? If you needed goods to trade, you could have asked me!
[ not that kaeya has much in terms of valuables that he's willing to offer, but he could have charmed the shopkeepers into far steeper discounts or at least pickpocketed a few residents! don't take away the love of his life, diluc! ]
Exterior qualities often don't inform interior ones, K. She's done her best with the hand she's been given.
[ she's ugly, but she's got the spirit! also, kaeya isn't a mutated bird. and even if he was, he'd still have a soft spot for him. also, he pleads ignorance. her feisty attitude and love of pushing buttons definitely doesn't remind him of anyone. also? she has a name! it's soot. that's a secret, though. ]
I don't lecture you. And efficiency in my dissent isn't the point.
[ he scolds him and tuts at him, but he knows that's part of the dynamic kaeya seems to always seek out as much as he does. it comes (usually) from a place of deep affection. but, guess who is appending an annoyed little grunt to this anyway. ]
No thanks. Contrary to popular belief, my skin is neither impenetrable nor flame resistant.
[ take them off yourself, kaeya! ]
A month, almost two. It was freshly re-racked.
Besides, I have plenty to spare.
[ so no real complexity there! and this is why he didn't ask, kaeya!!! ]
She's certainly taken her fair share out of my hand, and I have the scars to prove it. Her exterior matches her interior just as much as yours does.
[ what does that mean? who knows! it really depends on what kaeya makes of diluc's exterior, huh! anyway he knows her name might technically be 'soot', but as far as he's concerned, it's 'fried chicken' and nothing else. ]
Really? So you'll be fine with me ending my house arrest early and coming to find you now, no lectures needed, right?
[ scolding and lecturing are the same thing??? not that kaeya doesn't secretly enjoy both...look, any attention is good attention when it comes to him, at least from diluc.
and guess who is immediately setting that annoyed grunt as his text alert. technology is truly a wonder! ]
Neither is mine, but that hasn't stopped me yet. Think of it as encouragement to learn how to dodge instead of just hurling yourself behind your claymore all the time like a brutish lawachurl.
[ granted, this may be a wildly hypocritical statement given how none of kaeya's footwork managed to save him from getting his heart ripped out...but hey, that would have happened regardless of the amount of cleavage he was showing. too soon perhaps, but come hell or high water or chest ripping, the tits stay out! ]
Only because you keep imposing limits on how much I'm allowed to drink! What do I need to offer to get a few more bottles, huh?
How mysterious, that she takes no issue with me. [ can you hear how dryly he's thinking this, kaeya? his internal monologue is like the deserts of sumeru right now. ] Perhaps if you weren't so eager to tease her, she wouldn't be so eager to bite.
And I fail to see the resemblance.
[ what is that supposed to mean, that last bit? maybe his own sense of self isn't so generous about how he is? (yes.) but: he's seen it, his teasing. but, let's be honest: while that would have helped kaeya, it wouldn't have done too much to help him. he's viewed as competition for diluc's affections and food. however, that's enough on that. there's more pressing matters to attend to. ]
Oh, because the last attempt ended so well? I look forward to picking you up off the floor when I return home, Alberich.
[ that bit of venom in his (well-meaning) threat doesn't correspond to him picking up his pace at all. go ahead. he dares him. ]
Taking a hit when you can take it isn't a problem. Neither is shedding a layer or two when the situation calls for it. I'd prefer a barrier I can strip than none to begin with.
[ he doesn't want direct contact with things, okay. and it sure fucking is! however, he's not going to call him on that. it's a sore enough spot for them both. and, more than that, he doesn't want to think about kaeya like that again. ]
Recover. [ sincere and sharp and solemn even over text. recouping blood loss isn't aided by liquids that only serve to dehydrate you. still: ] Maybe then we can talk.
Or maybe she's just lulling you into a false sense of security so she'll have an ardent defender for all the people inevitably coming to make her pay for the blood she's drawn.
[ this is definitely about the hellbird and nothing else. ]
You'll have to catch me first, Ragnvindr. [ and then because nothing guarantees kaeya will do something like someone telling him he can't out of genuine concern for his well-being, there is a long poignant pause of about five minutes before the next message comes in, reeking of incredulity. ]
D, did you lock all of the windows from the outside? We don't even have exterior locks!
[ guess who knew this was going to happen and doesn't even bother to reply until he finally sweeps in from the cold, a bright line of red in the doorway? it's definitely diluc ragnvindr. the same diluc who is going to place all of his acquired goods down on the table in the adjoining kitchen and then go find kaeya at the nearest (suspected) window. ]
I have no idea what you're talking about, [ he says, with no warning whatsoever and immediately behind him. he isn't even going to wait for him to whine about how cold and cruel he is and instead just seize him (very gently) and sweep him up from behind the knees and support him across the shoulders like he weighs approximately nothing. which, in diluc's opinion, is about accurate.
anyway! ]
Now, [ he starts again, turning on his heel neatly to steer them both in the desired direction. from this angle, kaeya is certain to get a nice look at the firm set of his jaw contrasted with the smug, little uptick at the very corner of his mouth that he's trying valiantly to fight down. ] Let's get you back to bed.
[ diluc's not exactly an unobtrusive man in the current getup he's wearing, and kaeya's far too observant to not notice the sounds of the door opening and the jangle of chains. rather than putting him on high alert though, his shoulders relax minutely instead - like a stalled clock ticking back into motion, or the return of birdsong after a heavy storm, some part of him settles as the silence of a missing part of his world is finally broken by its return.
...or maybe he's just too engrossed by trying to decide which of the furniture in the room would be best suited to shatter a window. yeah, that's probably it.
whatever the case, he's clearly not expecting diluc's teleportation directly behind him, letting out an undignified yelp and dropping the chair he'd just hefted up to appraise. adding further insult to his already injured pride is the sudden bridal carry he finds himself in - and look, he knows he's leaner than his carefully adjusted outfit may suggest, but he is still by no means a small man. so the fact that diluc can quite literally whisk him off his feet with zero effort? absolutely infuriating.
(and...other things, but he's sticking with infuriating for now.) ]
What the - put me down, you brute! I'm quite capable of walking on my own, thank you!
[ he smacks at diluc's shoulder in protest, which has about the same effect as smacking a massive boulder with his bare hands. narrowing his eye in what anyone who knows him well would immediately recognize as his 'about to pull off a reckless and stupid stunt' face, he falls suspiciously lax for a moment. ]
I think someone needs to cool down.
[ and then he promptly shoves his face right at the juncture of said firm jawline and breathes freezing ice all over his skin. ]
[ diluc needn't confirmation. like himself, there is no other place that brings him the same sense of centering — the same sense of silence. caught always at the edge of kaeya's gravity, there is no peace without it. there is no peace without the solidification that diluc might remain in reach of him, might be at hand somehow. at the end of all days, he wonders if kaeya might read that in him. he wonders if kaeya might see that in him, reflected in the way a falcon returns to its perch — the way a wolf returns to its den.
but, there isn't much to say about this. for all that diluc and kaeya had wrestled and warred in their youth over what was pointless and petty, there is no precedent for the way that kaeya tips up his head. cradled up against diluc in a warmer echo of days previous, perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that diluc staggers suddenly on the way back to the bed. for, no matter the utter familiarity of his quips, there's nothing familar about this: kaeya's mouth against his bared jaw, the blast of his ice against an exposed patch of skin. ]
Kae!
[ the exclamation is as involuntary as the sound that leaves him. to his own mortification, it is neither a yelp nor a hiss, but more like a hitch. and at the heels of that sound, heat follows after it. for all that kaeya might expect him to drop him, he knows the game in instinct. more, he digs his fingers in. it's a stubborn locking of joints, even as a shiver works through the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. and, where kaeya's ice blossoms, it thereafter drips. it catches behind the cut of his collar, sluices with a frantic immediacy down the curve of his neck as he finally makes his way over to their final destination.
it's by the grace of something else that he doesn't throw kaeya into bed, but rather deposits him with a sort of gentled artlessness. from kaeya's new vantage point, there's no disguising the deep flush that colors his skin. his eyes, somehow darker, dart from him. ]
Just... Stay put, would you? [ he manages, tossing his hair over his shoulder with the turn of his chin. he doesn't move to go right the chair, but rather starts working at settling in as he straightens his back at the edge of the bed. he's not going to boil alive today, thank you. and if that involves trying to work his gloves off as his hands tremble? he isn't going to let kaeya know that, even despite how he grumbles and grouses. ]
Idiot.
[ never mind that his expression is otherwise impassive to anyone else who wouldn't recognize the faintest jut of his lip. ]
[ as he watches the crimson of diluc's blush bloom underneath frost, fresh snowmelt dripping down the mountain of his neck to the valley of his collarbones, kaeya begins to get the tingling suspicion that he might have made a huge mistake.
it's not a feeling he's particularly familiar with. oh don't get him wrong, he's made plenty of decisions that have resulted in less-than-desirable consequences, but he'd dove into those decisions with eyes wide open, fully aware of the risks ahead. mistake implies an accident, some clumsy or impulsive action done without intent, the very concept of which runs anathema to his entire being. kaeya thinks and rethinks and overthinks every move he makes - every smile, every word, every gesture, even every reckless plan, all calculated to give him the best possible advantage, or barring that at the very least eliminating any avenues of surprise.
except for one glaring exception: for some reason, diluc has always been able to rob every thought from his mind, just as he robs the honeyed words from his mouth, the air from his lungs, leaving him scrambling hopelessly for shore.
(why had he done it? put his mouth over diluc's most vulnerable juncture, breathed the essence of his power where his pulse beat in time to his heart? there had been no rhyme or reason to it, just the everpresent itch to work his way underneath the other's skin, to burrow as deeply and painfully as a burr.)
heat prickles at the back of his neck as he lands on the bed, spreading to the tip of his ears, and not for the first time he thanks every god in teyvat for his darker complexion. because here's the thing: kaeya is not actually stupid or oblivious. his life would probably be a lot easier if he was; for one, he'd be able to tell himself that diluc's only flushed from exasperated mortification. it wouldn't even be a particularly hard lie to sell - they both know full well that the curse of that aristocratic porcelain skin is that it turns bright red at the slightest provocation, a fact that kaeya had taken gleeful advantage of countless times in both their youth and adulthood.
but oh, diluc's eyes has never looked like that when he's embarrasssed. ]
Careful, Master Diluc. [ careful, he repeats to himself - careful that he doesn't disrupt the status quo, careful that he stays in this detente where it's safe, careful that he doesn't say anything he can't take back. it is, as always when it comes to the two of them, a warning that goes unheeded. ] Keep this up, and I'll start to wonder if you have more nefarious reasons for wanting me in your bed.
[ (carelessly, thoughtlessly, impulsively, the words trip off his tongue. there is no silver, there is no honey - there is simply unvarnished horror as his mind stumbles to catch up to the fire in his blood.) ]
[ and how is it fair, that kaeya has always done likewise to him? for all that he strove to be perfect and without flaw, kaeya had always been there to remind him. he had always been there to pull him from the vortices of his own self-destruction, had always called him back from the infinite edge. what would have occurred if he had ever been without him? would he have broken on the shores of his own resolutions, too shattered to remake himself anew for lack of reason to return home to roost?
he'd never wished to consider it. he doesn't consider it now, in the way he places his gloves on the nightstand, begins to work off his coat just as kaeya speaks to him. and he wonders, for only a moment, if he hears him correctly as he turns his head — as his eyes snap dark and focused to him, weighted with the consideration of all that's coalesced between them, that frissons along his shoulders even now as his coat slips from their round. ]
And what if there are? [ he says, soft and full of purpose. what if i were to love you so much that i would choke with it? that i would gladly die in the circle of your arms, have you in any way you would allow? the red of his coat pools at his elbows as he partially knees his way onto the bed. how is he not to notice the way that kaeya now looks at him? how is he not to see the way that kaeya's honeyed words fail him, that the blood of his blood flows dark beneath the skin? he wonders why it is always now that he might find the spool of speech somehow, syllables tender at the swell of his lip.
his heart has always steered him. once so impulsive and brilliant and bright, he'd known nothing of the injustices of the world. he'd only believed he might once have fixed them, mended them — brought kaeya into the light alongside him, made him too a beacon. but, those idle dreams have died. worn smooth like sea glass, fractured like brittle shells — they're no longer children. there is nothing that diluc does not know now that kaeya does not know too.
diluc knows as well as kaeya does that there is something woven irreparably into the soul. he must know too that there is nothing that might exist of diluc ragnvindr without kaeya alberich. he must know that there is nothing that might have ever grown in diluc without him, barren in the soil of his richer lineage.
he'd known it since the rains swept in.
he doesn't pay mind as his coat falls to the floor like the closing of a curtain. the stage is set and there is nothing, but kaeya and diluc in the hell of a town that made them realize the tremulous steps they made about each other were foolish, just as he is. just as he always was, the first night he tried to kiss him at the cusp of eighteen out in his father's gardens. but, now — his back bows, just a little, as he braces himself with a hand planted at the other side of his hip. like this, his hair slips over the curve of his shoulder, following the twist of his body to truly look at him. ]
What would you have me do then, Sir Kaeya?
[ he nudges at the boundary, close enough that kaeya's breath becomes his breath. close enough that he might see the bluer flecks that catch at the lone star of his eye. close enough, he thinks, to know perhaps that kaeya won't rebuff him. not now. ]
[ when they were children, he'd often watch diluc coax wounded animals to his hand, withstanding their frantic claws and bites with a resilient patience that bordered on the supernatural at times. he'd never understood back then why diluc had been so determined to sacrifice gouges of his flesh to these feral creatures who could never comprehend gratitude, let alone express it. what was the point, he'd held himself back from asking, of wasting all that kindness and warmth on those who had no ability to appreciate it? far more merciful to all parties involved to let the wretched things die of their wounds if that was to be their fate, rather than spare any more blood for a life that would almost certainly be cut short as soon as it was freed anyway.
he's never felt so akin to a wild animal as he does now as diluc leans over him, the thick bars of his arm trapping him in a cage of his own volition. the wings of his shoulderblades dig into the mattress as he presses himself further down instinctively, his heart thrumming hummingbird fast. fight and flight rise up within him in equal measure, colliding with each other until all that's left is freeze as he stares up agape, the diamond of his eye expanding into a dark star that eclipses nearly the whole of his iris. ]
Di--
[ he snaps his mouth shut, but it's too late to hide the absolute shock infused into the single syllable, nor how his voice cracks like the awkward adolescent he never truly was. appropriate, given how it feels as though his entire being is cracking straight down the middle, the rumblings of an avalanche beginning to make its way down from up high a mountaintop after finally surrendering to the sun's persistent glare. diluc has always run hotter than most people and kaeya cooler, and in this moment their respective temperature differences has never seemed so stark; caged underneath the relentless heat of diluc's body, kaeya feels as though he's melting, all his clever deflections and glacial defenses dissolving into nothing but a puddle against the sheets.
his mind whirls frantically for a response, any response, aside from whatever garbled stuttering lies on the tip of his tongue now. his own fault for being caught so utterly off-guard and dismantled in a way that truly only diluc could ever pull off - his own fault for being surprised, because how could he have not seen this coming? diluc has never shied away from any challenge, their entire childhood littered with incidents and injuries from goading each other on too far, and of course that's what he must see this innuendo as. of course he must take it as just another battle of words and daring to be won, just retribution against kaeya pushing all his buttons as usual, because what else could - what other option could possibly--
(he knows what it looks like when someone wants him - though admittedly no one's ever looked at him like this, as if they actually want him and not just the beautiful shell he resides in. he knows diluc, for all his disguises and omittance of the truth, is a terrible liar. and yet the idea that this could be exactly as what it's presented as...no. surely diluc couldn't be that blind, to genuinely offer himself to someone like him.)
well. there's only one response he can possibly give to that. kaeya and diluc, locked in a constant orbit around each other, bound together as inevitably as the dusk must follow the dawn. wherever diluc goes, whatever boundaries he pushes past, kaeya has no choice but to meet him where he is, unwilling to ever be left behind again. the shock fades from his face, replaced with an expression he's worn often, though certainly never directed at diluc before - eye half-lidded, lips curled in a sultry smile, honey coating every facet of his voice. ]
My, my. So it turns out that even the noble and upright Ragnvindr heir has these sorts of...interests, after all. [ he props himself upward on his elbows, curling a finger around the metal centerpiece of diluc's collar to pull their faces even closer. ] I would have you do quite a lot...but I think that depends on your own willpower, hm?
[ unbidden, the corner of his mouth jerks into a self-deprecating twist - already preparing to laugh this off as a joke gone too far the moment diluc succumbs to the inevitable and jerks back in disgust. ]
[ perhaps it was a way of healing the self, healing the other.
molded to the whims of his father, made aligned to any scrap of approval he might have given him — it was only when he'd grown older that he'd realized that some creatures never wanted to be made whole in the truth of themselves. left to limp along the sidelines of their own existence, there were only few that came to diluc readily. and, even when they might have left in the end, that sadness was his own emptiness. it was his own loneliness, the want of perfection — the fact that he himself was never made actualized until the idealized reality was uprooted, was made plain as rot that ran through the foundations of his ancestral house.
it had taken almost dying, returning home to mond (to kaeya) to know that all living things must want to be saved to save themselves. and like this, he thinks, kaeya flourished. what groundwork diluc had given him was no less instrumental than the groundwork that kaeya had given himself. and like this it remained diluc and kaeya, kaeya and diluc. it remained a locked orbit, a perpetual gravity, an incomprehensible pull of twinned and binary stars.
when kaeya tugs at him — goads him —, diluc only presses his mouth to the warmth of his temple, the covered edge of his old scar. he's seen it, in the plain light. touched it, as much as he might have dared, in the months that they'd remained here. he holds the shape of it in the teeth of his memory, scribed it with such ferocity that it would never be taken. not from either of them. ]
Idiot. [ it knives from his chest like sparks off a fire. hands pushed through ashes, he burns himself willingly to eke the words out. his chest vises, heart sent to tripping over itself. it feels like the loosing of stones down green embankments, the cresting of waves over one's head. it feels insurmountable, unreasonable. it feels like the tall walls of storms that never wore themselves out. ] Can you ever be quiet?
[ it isn't a question. not a real one, anyway. since the time that diluc's known him, he'd only once held his tongue. in those long, hard months — in the winter that seemed to have no end —, he'd coaxed him out. kaeya, skittish in the fall of his shadow. silent, no matter the fear he must have felt. no matter how well-intentioned he'd been back then, diluc had always known himself to be selfish, overeager. he'd always known himself to want and to love with such severity and such sincerity that he'd sooner felt he'd die from it. consumed once by his own failures, it had only been his self-imposed exile that had righted him. it had only been his realization that kaeya had so long wrapped his vulnerabilities in the rampart of his words that even diluc had failed to notice it.
he'd once been so happy when kaeya had opened his mouth.
now, diluc knows him to be earnest in the stuttering hitch of his words. he knows him to be honest, in the pause before the slating of another act. for all that kaeya may think he wears many masks, diluc sees what is rooted beneath it. in the thaw of kaeya's own heart, diluc dares not bring attention to it. not directly. he knows better, has learned better — the corpse dirt of his own lineage is a testament of that, the black soil only now fertile after so many long and painful years.
he'd never wished for anything else from kaeya, he thinks, but kaeya himself.
and so, for all the challenge that kaeya throws to him, there is nothing more to do, but discard it. how could he ever be disgusted, when the heart of his heart offers a momentary glimpse of another route? like hoar that melts beneath his soles, like the prising of fingers through the soft skins of stone fruits, he welcomes it.
there's nothing refined in the way that he finally kisses him, a muddle of teeth and adrenaline more than anything else. he's never bothered to corner another in a sun dappled alley, never once caught another in the silence of the barracks. he's never wished to learn how. not with anyone else — never with anyone else — he'd never imagined another person with whom to ache his way through this, to wrench his way through unfortunate angles and terrible trajectory.
when he surfaces, it's sooner rather than later. his lower lip throbs with an oncoming bruise, but the fabled lightness that throws itself through one's being after the first dare of a kiss is decidedly capsized by the absolute lurch of his own breath in his chest. like the flaring of sparklers, the burst of inazuman candles, he feels the overwhelming scent of kaeya more than he fills himself with it.
he's too close to capture his expression clearly, but he doesn't have to know the full of it to understand that his eyes are as wide and dark as his own are. his skin burns a solid line against the cut of kaeya's jaw, his hand (how did it end up there?) trembling so fiercely that it's a wonder he's managed to keep cradling his face at all. ]
Kae, you've always had it, [ he says, sudden as the way he realizes the dark of kaeya's lashes, the way his body feels beneath his. there's a desperate edge to the way the words flood through him, cut over the banks of his teeth. they inundate any hope from reprieve, for the silence of his of own hands and heart and mouth. startled in his own right, a bird shot down in flight, the wounded wing he drags about is the insurmountable weight of his affections. finally freed as an arrow, the injury he bears holds no other recourse — he bleeds with it. ] My attention, my interest— [ he grasps at anything along kaeya's side, comes up with the linen of his own stolen shirt. he hooks two fingers into it, balls it tightly in the shelter of his fist. ] All of it.
[ time slows to a crawl, the moment between heartbeats stretching out into eternity.
they've lived in each other's skins too long for kaeya to remain blind to the intent behind diluc's movements, the crimson bloom of his cheeks, the blaze of resolve in his half-lidded eyes. this has happened once before after all, deja vu hitting him with all the subtlety of a brick - and even as diluc begins leaning in, the glow from the afternoon sun seems to soften his face into a younger and more innocent visage, the years between blurring between present and past.
kaeya had stopped him back then. seventeen and already (always) wiser or perhaps just more cynical than his age, he'd known the aborted affection for the mistake it would have been. the young master ragnvindr, romantic to a fault, who held vows of courtship and wedlock with more sanctity than towards his own god, deserved far better than giving away his first to a snake in the grass in some fumbling of misread teenage infatuation. nothing between them could ever have been genuine after all, not when one of them was little more than a mirror reflecting a false image to distract from the lies buried underneath, and so he'd deflected and demurred and laughed off the attempt in a display of oblivious rather than rejection. and after...well, after, diluc had never brought it up again, and kaeya had placed the memory high up on his shelf of inconsequential events to be forgotten - no doubt it had been a lapse of judgment made in drink, or a desire to quell a curiosity with the one person in his life deemed safe.
except here, five years and a lifetime later, there is no alcohol, no melody of violins trickling to a veranda of flowers under a moonlit night sky, no starry-eyed idealism from a boy who has never known the bitter taste of betrayal. time and the harshness of reality has peeled away the patina of kaeya's painstakingly painted pretense, and diluc now beholds him for who he truly is: a liar, a deceiver, a shamble of falsities and insecurities and sins barely held together by a porcelain smile. a cursed creature incapable of loving anyone or anything right without destroying them both in the process, and yet--
and yet even so, he still--
it should feel like a thunderclap when diluc's mouth finally brushes his own. it should feel like the world shaking apart and remaking itself anew, but everything suddenly seems so distant. the only thing kaeya can think, half hysterically, is that diluc's lips are chapped. of course they are, pyro heat and a habit of nervous chewing means the delicate skin there must be drier than the sumeru desert, and of course he's never cared about beauty maintenence in his life no matter how often kaeya complains....
the kiss is over before it barely begins. he blinks up dazedly. ]
...I knew you weren't using the balm I gave you.
[ his voice sounds tinny and far away, barely audible over the rushing of blood in his ears. dimly, he notes that his breathing's picked up as if he's run across the town and back, his lungs expanding and contracting at a speed and volume that ought to make his ribs ache - though he can't feel them anyway underneath the icy numbness that is now creeping over his entire body, weighing his limbs down in paralysis.
it's all he ever wanted. diluc's attention, his interest, his regard, his affection - from the moment their eyes met that fateful rainy night, he had already taken one foot down this inevitable path that would lead him turning his back on his entire people just for a glimpse of sunshine in shape of this man's smile. all his provocations, all his refusal to let the past die, all to dig himself so deep under diluc's skin that to pry him out would be to kill them both...and yet there is no triumph singing sweetly through his veins at having gotten everything his heart has ever desired. there is only dread.
because what has he ever given diluc in return for sunlight and warmth and true north? only the rain, and the biting frost of betrayal, and the utter ruin of the map of his life. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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just kidding, it's definitely the latter. there's no surprise in diluc being a prodigy at anything he sets his mind to, but mastering the basics of technology after only six months? how did he even know the phone could record and send sound anyway? suspicious.... ]
An audio recording that isn't the sound of your pocket because you accidentally sat on your phone again? Who is this and what have you done with Diluc? [ he's only half-joking.... ]
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Good question. Shall I send you another one to prove my identity?
[ so dry... ]
I'm not completely illiterate with technology, you know.
[ just mostly. ]
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[ fellas is it gay to ask your sworn brother to send you selfies for your collection.... ]
My, I would never insinuate that our illustrious uncrowned king would be anything less than capable of whatever he gets his hands on. Have you managed to figure out how to silence the shutter sound yet, by the way?
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[ his horrible pocket music, that is. ]
And absolutely not.
[ he says this, but there he goes sending one anyway. it's about 60% diluc and 40% background. he's at the market, seems like. and today? he's switched out his regular attire for something decidedly more red, chains and all. there isn't so much as a hint of a smile on his face to anyone else who might be looking, but this is kaeya he's sending it to. even in the questionable lighting, there's a minute crinkling at the corners of his eyes. ]
Have you figured out how to delete that picture yet?
[ you know, that one from the post? never mind that he isn't answering that. (it's a no.) ]
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[ but oh boy, does he regret his demand for visual evidence now as diluc's photo comes in and he promptly drops his phone on his face. clearly he hasn't fully recovered from his mortal injuries yet, because all of a sudden he's pretty sure he's about two seconds away from a heart attack??? he can't believe he's going to die a second time this month from heart failure???
luckily he manages to hang on to life with his fingernails just long enough to make a dozen copies of that photo and save them all, but that pause between messages sure is lasting an awful lot longer than usual.... ]
Rather fancy attire for a trip to the market, hm? Don't tell me you broke the laundry machine again.
[ no, he is never going to forgive or forget that time diluc ruined half his clothes because he didn't realize that putting spiky metal things into the wash and using hot water for colors was a bad idea.... ]
Of course I have! Don't you trust me? [ he absolutely has not. ]
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[ he will absolutely do no such thing. it's such an empty threat. anyway, he'll be making his way back from the market now. it isn't a very big town or anything, so it shouldn't take too long. he might not have found the exact set of spices that kaeya prefers, but he's certainly gotten him something else as well. ]
I did no such thing. Lark delivered it some time back, so I figured I would get use out of it. [ seems pretty simple, right? and, totally oblivious to kaeya's crisis because it's just an outfit(???): ] There's nothing fancy about it.
[ it's old? ]
I suppose you'll have no trouble showing me then.
[ he absolutely trusts him, but not when it comes to embarrassing photographs. ]
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[ it is a totally empty threat and they both know it, but also how dare diluc even suggest cutting off a line of communication for kaeya to annoy him! what will he do in his convalescence if he can't bother diluc every waking second, focus on healing? sounds awful. ]
D, you of all people have no basis or taste to declare what's fancy and what isn't. [ seriously, one of diluc's 'casual' outfits probably costs as much as an average person's entire wardrobe. ] How did you even manage to play the fiddle with all those chains dangling about?
[ and more importantly, does this mean diluc was just playing it in his incredibly striking outfit just out in public? being under house arrest because of silly reasons like 'needing to regrow his heart' is truly the worst! ]
How can I possibly show you something which no longer exists? Really, be sensible.
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[ but, not talking to kaeya throughout the day? sounds terrible. he wouldn't know what to do without him constantly bothering him. he still doesn't. the rawness of his temporary absence still sits beneath diluc's skin like a darkening bruise. ]
Considering that, I suppose you'll have to suffer it.
[ anyway: ]
There's nothing wrong with my sense of taste.
[ there are many things wrong with it. but, maybe? possibly? yes. he was out in public testing this lovely violin from the merchant in exchange for a bottle of maple wine. have to assess the durability and the quality, you know? ] And easily. A coat and gloves are made to be removed, K.
[ rip kaeya having to imagine him undoing all that and leaving it in the hands of some stuttering vendor. ]
I learned a new bit of information today. Each image in your "gallery" is immediately dated. It should be a simple matter of scanning all the way back.
[ if it's absent there? it's probably absent. rip him not knowing about folders. ]
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[ are they going to talk about the week where kaeya was awake for maybe all of an hour total across five or so days and couldn't harass diluc about his sartorial choices? nope, absolutely not. he'll hide behind ugly birds as an excuse to have an instant line of communication to him, much as he hates them. ]
Says the winery owner who prefers grape juice over his own wares. I must admit I'm surprised though - and here I thought you'd perish before revealing a centimeter of skin to your adoring masses. [ he's not sulking at all that diluc will just casually remove his gloves at anyone's bequest, of course not. ] Did you at least get a discount for your show?
[ nope, definitely not sulking in the least. ]
Look at you, mastering the nuances of technology so quickly! And they say old dogs can't learn new tricks. Well, you're free to dig all you'd like, I'm as clean and innocent as newfallen snow.
[ because as someone who hails from a far more technologically advanced nation and works primarily in intelligence gathering, he'd figured out how to make invisible folders his first week here. no one will ever discover his massive collection of candid shots of a certain bartender turned vigilante! all he has on his phone are extremely aesthetic selfies! ]
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[ you know, with the demons and such. they're also definitely not diseased? at least, as far he knows. but, they're definitely not going to talk about it. he already x cried more than once this month. if he cries any more he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to stem it when he wants again.
anyway, that's an old argument. he may or may not be rolling his eyes. ]
Hmph.
Flatterer. I've no such thing. [ also, if kaeya wanted to see some skin he could just ask? he already takes off his coat and gloves in front of him. never mind he doesn't sleep with those on? ] And layers are practical; I see no need to remove them unless it's required.
[ never know when you need extra warmth or protection, kae! ]
Of course not. I offered a fair exchange.
[ he was definitely offered one, but he refused... such a gentleman. ]
Sure.
[ look he doesn't know that and look who isn't taking the bait and calling him on it... amazing. ]
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[ this is an extremely dumb argument that they've had multiple times where no one will ever win, but also kaeya will die before he ever lets anyone get the last word in. a fact that diluc must be well aware of, so really it's a testament to his masochism that he continues to indulge him like this. ]
Did you just 'hmph' at me? Through text?
It's not flattery if it's true! And there's nothing practical about that outfit. You can just admit you like being mysterious...and that you burn to a crisp at the slightest hint of sun.
[ diluc's delicate nobleborn skin definitely needs a lot more protection than kaeya's.... ]
Right. And what's a fair exchange in your words, again?
[ this better not be like that time kaeya sent him grocery shopping and he spent all their funds on a single banana!! ]
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[ a hellhole! but, it doesn't matter because kaeya is here and he'll happily have this stupid argument over and over again if it means that he can keep him by his side. ]
What of it? Shall I record it for you instead?
[ digging his own grave... dwbi. ]
We'll call it a generous interpretation, then. And it's hydrophobic and pyro retardant without compromising movement. It serves its purpose.
And I don't "burn to a crisp."
[ he just becomes as red as a flaming flower stamen after about fifteen minutes of direct, harsh sun. he maybe tanned a little for once in his life when he traversed through the deserts of sumeru after he acquired second degree burns first. ]
A bottle of maple wine. [ and then, he appends: ] Don't worry yourself, I took from the younger batch.
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[ much like a certain cavalry captain in fact...wait, is this why diluc keeps tolerating his blatant attempts to push all his limits? because he reminds him of a mutated feral demon bird? ]
It would certainly save you some time. Every time you feel like lecturing me, you can just send the recording over instead.
[ and every time kaeya feels like doing something stupid, he can play the 'hmph' on loop to encourage him further down the path of mischievous dumbassery! truly a win-win scenario for him. ]
Considering the color and that you must jangle with every step, I assume the purpose is the catch the attention of anyone within a fifty meter radius. In which case, you should definitely unbutton a few more layers to help you out.
How much younger? If you needed goods to trade, you could have asked me!
[ not that kaeya has much in terms of valuables that he's willing to offer, but he could have charmed the shopkeepers into far steeper discounts or at least pickpocketed a few residents! don't take away the love of his life, diluc! ]
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[ she's ugly, but she's got the spirit! also, kaeya isn't a mutated bird. and even if he was, he'd still have a soft spot for him. also, he pleads ignorance. her feisty attitude and love of pushing buttons definitely doesn't remind him of anyone. also? she has a name! it's soot. that's a secret, though. ]
I don't lecture you. And efficiency in my dissent isn't the point.
[ he scolds him and tuts at him, but he knows that's part of the dynamic kaeya seems to always seek out as much as he does. it comes (usually) from a place of deep affection. but, guess who is appending an annoyed little grunt to this anyway. ]
No thanks. Contrary to popular belief, my skin is neither impenetrable nor flame resistant.
[ take them off yourself, kaeya! ]
A month, almost two. It was freshly re-racked.
Besides, I have plenty to spare.
[ so no real complexity there! and this is why he didn't ask, kaeya!!! ]
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[ what does that mean? who knows! it really depends on what kaeya makes of diluc's exterior, huh! anyway he knows her name might technically be 'soot', but as far as he's concerned, it's 'fried chicken' and nothing else. ]
Really? So you'll be fine with me ending my house arrest early and coming to find you now, no lectures needed, right?
[ scolding and lecturing are the same thing??? not that kaeya doesn't secretly enjoy both...look, any attention is good attention when it comes to him, at least from diluc.
and guess who is immediately setting that annoyed grunt as his text alert. technology is truly a wonder! ]
Neither is mine, but that hasn't stopped me yet. Think of it as encouragement to learn how to dodge instead of just hurling yourself behind your claymore all the time like a brutish lawachurl.
[ granted, this may be a wildly hypocritical statement given how none of kaeya's footwork managed to save him from getting his heart ripped out...but hey, that would have happened regardless of the amount of cleavage he was showing. too soon perhaps, but come hell or high water or chest ripping, the tits stay out! ]
Only because you keep imposing limits on how much I'm allowed to drink! What do I need to offer to get a few more bottles, huh?
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And I fail to see the resemblance.
[ what is that supposed to mean, that last bit? maybe his own sense of self isn't so generous about how he is? (yes.) but: he's seen it, his teasing. but, let's be honest: while that would have helped kaeya, it wouldn't have done too much to help him. he's viewed as competition for diluc's affections and food. however, that's enough on that. there's more pressing matters to attend to. ]
Oh, because the last attempt ended so well? I look forward to picking you up off the floor when I return home, Alberich.
[ that bit of venom in his (well-meaning) threat doesn't correspond to him picking up his pace at all. go ahead. he dares him. ]
Taking a hit when you can take it isn't a problem. Neither is shedding a layer or two when the situation calls for it. I'd prefer a barrier I can strip than none to begin with.
[ he doesn't want direct contact with things, okay. and it sure fucking is! however, he's not going to call him on that. it's a sore enough spot for them both. and, more than that, he doesn't want to think about kaeya like that again. ]
Recover. [ sincere and sharp and solemn even over text. recouping blood loss isn't aided by liquids that only serve to dehydrate you. still: ] Maybe then we can talk.
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[ this is definitely about the hellbird and nothing else. ]
You'll have to catch me first, Ragnvindr. [ and then because nothing guarantees kaeya will do something like someone telling him he can't out of genuine concern for his well-being, there is a long poignant pause of about five minutes before the next message comes in, reeking of incredulity. ]
D, did you lock all of the windows from the outside? We don't even have exterior locks!
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I have no idea what you're talking about, [ he says, with no warning whatsoever and immediately behind him. he isn't even going to wait for him to whine about how cold and cruel he is and instead just seize him (very gently) and sweep him up from behind the knees and support him across the shoulders like he weighs approximately nothing. which, in diluc's opinion, is about accurate.
anyway! ]
Now, [ he starts again, turning on his heel neatly to steer them both in the desired direction. from this angle, kaeya is certain to get a nice look at the firm set of his jaw contrasted with the smug, little uptick at the very corner of his mouth that he's trying valiantly to fight down. ] Let's get you back to bed.
[ kaeya really should believe him. ]
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...or maybe he's just too engrossed by trying to decide which of the furniture in the room would be best suited to shatter a window. yeah, that's probably it.
whatever the case, he's clearly not expecting diluc's teleportation directly behind him, letting out an undignified yelp and dropping the chair he'd just hefted up to appraise. adding further insult to his already injured pride is the sudden bridal carry he finds himself in - and look, he knows he's leaner than his carefully adjusted outfit may suggest, but he is still by no means a small man. so the fact that diluc can quite literally whisk him off his feet with zero effort? absolutely infuriating.
(and...other things, but he's sticking with infuriating for now.) ]
What the - put me down, you brute! I'm quite capable of walking on my own, thank you!
[ he smacks at diluc's shoulder in protest, which has about the same effect as smacking a massive boulder with his bare hands. narrowing his eye in what anyone who knows him well would immediately recognize as his 'about to pull off a reckless and stupid stunt' face, he falls suspiciously lax for a moment. ]
I think someone needs to cool down.
[ and then he promptly shoves his face right at the juncture of said firm jawline and breathes freezing ice all over his skin. ]
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but, there isn't much to say about this. for all that diluc and kaeya had wrestled and warred in their youth over what was pointless and petty, there is no precedent for the way that kaeya tips up his head. cradled up against diluc in a warmer echo of days previous, perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that diluc staggers suddenly on the way back to the bed. for, no matter the utter familiarity of his quips, there's nothing familar about this: kaeya's mouth against his bared jaw, the blast of his ice against an exposed patch of skin. ]
Kae!
[ the exclamation is as involuntary as the sound that leaves him. to his own mortification, it is neither a yelp nor a hiss, but more like a hitch. and at the heels of that sound, heat follows after it. for all that kaeya might expect him to drop him, he knows the game in instinct. more, he digs his fingers in. it's a stubborn locking of joints, even as a shiver works through the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. and, where kaeya's ice blossoms, it thereafter drips. it catches behind the cut of his collar, sluices with a frantic immediacy down the curve of his neck as he finally makes his way over to their final destination.
it's by the grace of something else that he doesn't throw kaeya into bed, but rather deposits him with a sort of gentled artlessness. from kaeya's new vantage point, there's no disguising the deep flush that colors his skin. his eyes, somehow darker, dart from him. ]
Just... Stay put, would you? [ he manages, tossing his hair over his shoulder with the turn of his chin. he doesn't move to go right the chair, but rather starts working at settling in as he straightens his back at the edge of the bed. he's not going to boil alive today, thank you. and if that involves trying to work his gloves off as his hands tremble? he isn't going to let kaeya know that, even despite how he grumbles and grouses. ]
Idiot.
[ never mind that his expression is otherwise impassive to anyone else who wouldn't recognize the faintest jut of his lip. ]
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it's not a feeling he's particularly familiar with. oh don't get him wrong, he's made plenty of decisions that have resulted in less-than-desirable consequences, but he'd dove into those decisions with eyes wide open, fully aware of the risks ahead. mistake implies an accident, some clumsy or impulsive action done without intent, the very concept of which runs anathema to his entire being. kaeya thinks and rethinks and overthinks every move he makes - every smile, every word, every gesture, even every reckless plan, all calculated to give him the best possible advantage, or barring that at the very least eliminating any avenues of surprise.
except for one glaring exception: for some reason, diluc has always been able to rob every thought from his mind, just as he robs the honeyed words from his mouth, the air from his lungs, leaving him scrambling hopelessly for shore.
(why had he done it? put his mouth over diluc's most vulnerable juncture, breathed the essence of his power where his pulse beat in time to his heart? there had been no rhyme or reason to it, just the everpresent itch to work his way underneath the other's skin, to burrow as deeply and painfully as a burr.)
heat prickles at the back of his neck as he lands on the bed, spreading to the tip of his ears, and not for the first time he thanks every god in teyvat for his darker complexion. because here's the thing: kaeya is not actually stupid or oblivious. his life would probably be a lot easier if he was; for one, he'd be able to tell himself that diluc's only flushed from exasperated mortification. it wouldn't even be a particularly hard lie to sell - they both know full well that the curse of that aristocratic porcelain skin is that it turns bright red at the slightest provocation, a fact that kaeya had taken gleeful advantage of countless times in both their youth and adulthood.
but oh, diluc's eyes has never looked like that when he's embarrasssed. ]
Careful, Master Diluc. [ careful, he repeats to himself - careful that he doesn't disrupt the status quo, careful that he stays in this detente where it's safe, careful that he doesn't say anything he can't take back. it is, as always when it comes to the two of them, a warning that goes unheeded. ] Keep this up, and I'll start to wonder if you have more nefarious reasons for wanting me in your bed.
[ (carelessly, thoughtlessly, impulsively, the words trip off his tongue. there is no silver, there is no honey - there is simply unvarnished horror as his mind stumbles to catch up to the fire in his blood.) ]
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he'd never wished to consider it. he doesn't consider it now, in the way he places his gloves on the nightstand, begins to work off his coat just as kaeya speaks to him. and he wonders, for only a moment, if he hears him correctly as he turns his head — as his eyes snap dark and focused to him, weighted with the consideration of all that's coalesced between them, that frissons along his shoulders even now as his coat slips from their round. ]
And what if there are? [ he says, soft and full of purpose. what if i were to love you so much that i would choke with it? that i would gladly die in the circle of your arms, have you in any way you would allow? the red of his coat pools at his elbows as he partially knees his way onto the bed. how is he not to notice the way that kaeya now looks at him? how is he not to see the way that kaeya's honeyed words fail him, that the blood of his blood flows dark beneath the skin? he wonders why it is always now that he might find the spool of speech somehow, syllables tender at the swell of his lip.
his heart has always steered him. once so impulsive and brilliant and bright, he'd known nothing of the injustices of the world. he'd only believed he might once have fixed them, mended them — brought kaeya into the light alongside him, made him too a beacon. but, those idle dreams have died. worn smooth like sea glass, fractured like brittle shells — they're no longer children. there is nothing that diluc does not know now that kaeya does not know too.
diluc knows as well as kaeya does that there is something woven irreparably into the soul. he must know too that there is nothing that might exist of diluc ragnvindr without kaeya alberich. he must know that there is nothing that might have ever grown in diluc without him, barren in the soil of his richer lineage.
he'd known it since the rains swept in.
he doesn't pay mind as his coat falls to the floor like the closing of a curtain. the stage is set and there is nothing, but kaeya and diluc in the hell of a town that made them realize the tremulous steps they made about each other were foolish, just as he is. just as he always was, the first night he tried to kiss him at the cusp of eighteen out in his father's gardens. but, now — his back bows, just a little, as he braces himself with a hand planted at the other side of his hip. like this, his hair slips over the curve of his shoulder, following the twist of his body to truly look at him. ]
What would you have me do then, Sir Kaeya?
[ he nudges at the boundary, close enough that kaeya's breath becomes his breath. close enough that he might see the bluer flecks that catch at the lone star of his eye. close enough, he thinks, to know perhaps that kaeya won't rebuff him. not now. ]
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he's never felt so akin to a wild animal as he does now as diluc leans over him, the thick bars of his arm trapping him in a cage of his own volition. the wings of his shoulderblades dig into the mattress as he presses himself further down instinctively, his heart thrumming hummingbird fast. fight and flight rise up within him in equal measure, colliding with each other until all that's left is freeze as he stares up agape, the diamond of his eye expanding into a dark star that eclipses nearly the whole of his iris. ]
Di--
[ he snaps his mouth shut, but it's too late to hide the absolute shock infused into the single syllable, nor how his voice cracks like the awkward adolescent he never truly was. appropriate, given how it feels as though his entire being is cracking straight down the middle, the rumblings of an avalanche beginning to make its way down from up high a mountaintop after finally surrendering to the sun's persistent glare. diluc has always run hotter than most people and kaeya cooler, and in this moment their respective temperature differences has never seemed so stark; caged underneath the relentless heat of diluc's body, kaeya feels as though he's melting, all his clever deflections and glacial defenses dissolving into nothing but a puddle against the sheets.
his mind whirls frantically for a response, any response, aside from whatever garbled stuttering lies on the tip of his tongue now. his own fault for being caught so utterly off-guard and dismantled in a way that truly only diluc could ever pull off - his own fault for being surprised, because how could he have not seen this coming? diluc has never shied away from any challenge, their entire childhood littered with incidents and injuries from goading each other on too far, and of course that's what he must see this innuendo as. of course he must take it as just another battle of words and daring to be won, just retribution against kaeya pushing all his buttons as usual, because what else could - what other option could possibly--
(he knows what it looks like when someone wants him - though admittedly no one's ever looked at him like this, as if they actually want him and not just the beautiful shell he resides in. he knows diluc, for all his disguises and omittance of the truth, is a terrible liar. and yet the idea that this could be exactly as what it's presented as...no. surely diluc couldn't be that blind, to genuinely offer himself to someone like him.)
well. there's only one response he can possibly give to that. kaeya and diluc, locked in a constant orbit around each other, bound together as inevitably as the dusk must follow the dawn. wherever diluc goes, whatever boundaries he pushes past, kaeya has no choice but to meet him where he is, unwilling to ever be left behind again. the shock fades from his face, replaced with an expression he's worn often, though certainly never directed at diluc before - eye half-lidded, lips curled in a sultry smile, honey coating every facet of his voice. ]
My, my. So it turns out that even the noble and upright Ragnvindr heir has these sorts of...interests, after all. [ he props himself upward on his elbows, curling a finger around the metal centerpiece of diluc's collar to pull their faces even closer. ] I would have you do quite a lot...but I think that depends on your own willpower, hm?
[ unbidden, the corner of his mouth jerks into a self-deprecating twist - already preparing to laugh this off as a joke gone too far the moment diluc succumbs to the inevitable and jerks back in disgust. ]
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molded to the whims of his father, made aligned to any scrap of approval he might have given him — it was only when he'd grown older that he'd realized that some creatures never wanted to be made whole in the truth of themselves. left to limp along the sidelines of their own existence, there were only few that came to diluc readily. and, even when they might have left in the end, that sadness was his own emptiness. it was his own loneliness, the want of perfection — the fact that he himself was never made actualized until the idealized reality was uprooted, was made plain as rot that ran through the foundations of his ancestral house.
it had taken almost dying, returning home to mond (to kaeya) to know that all living things must want to be saved to save themselves. and like this, he thinks, kaeya flourished. what groundwork diluc had given him was no less instrumental than the groundwork that kaeya had given himself. and like this it remained diluc and kaeya, kaeya and diluc. it remained a locked orbit, a perpetual gravity, an incomprehensible pull of twinned and binary stars.
when kaeya tugs at him — goads him —, diluc only presses his mouth to the warmth of his temple, the covered edge of his old scar. he's seen it, in the plain light. touched it, as much as he might have dared, in the months that they'd remained here. he holds the shape of it in the teeth of his memory, scribed it with such ferocity that it would never be taken. not from either of them. ]
Idiot. [ it knives from his chest like sparks off a fire. hands pushed through ashes, he burns himself willingly to eke the words out. his chest vises, heart sent to tripping over itself. it feels like the loosing of stones down green embankments, the cresting of waves over one's head. it feels insurmountable, unreasonable. it feels like the tall walls of storms that never wore themselves out. ] Can you ever be quiet?
[ it isn't a question. not a real one, anyway. since the time that diluc's known him, he'd only once held his tongue. in those long, hard months — in the winter that seemed to have no end —, he'd coaxed him out. kaeya, skittish in the fall of his shadow. silent, no matter the fear he must have felt. no matter how well-intentioned he'd been back then, diluc had always known himself to be selfish, overeager. he'd always known himself to want and to love with such severity and such sincerity that he'd sooner felt he'd die from it. consumed once by his own failures, it had only been his self-imposed exile that had righted him. it had only been his realization that kaeya had so long wrapped his vulnerabilities in the rampart of his words that even diluc had failed to notice it.
he'd once been so happy when kaeya had opened his mouth.
now, diluc knows him to be earnest in the stuttering hitch of his words. he knows him to be honest, in the pause before the slating of another act. for all that kaeya may think he wears many masks, diluc sees what is rooted beneath it. in the thaw of kaeya's own heart, diluc dares not bring attention to it. not directly. he knows better, has learned better — the corpse dirt of his own lineage is a testament of that, the black soil only now fertile after so many long and painful years.
he'd never wished for anything else from kaeya, he thinks, but kaeya himself.
and so, for all the challenge that kaeya throws to him, there is nothing more to do, but discard it. how could he ever be disgusted, when the heart of his heart offers a momentary glimpse of another route? like hoar that melts beneath his soles, like the prising of fingers through the soft skins of stone fruits, he welcomes it.
there's nothing refined in the way that he finally kisses him, a muddle of teeth and adrenaline more than anything else. he's never bothered to corner another in a sun dappled alley, never once caught another in the silence of the barracks. he's never wished to learn how. not with anyone else — never with anyone else — he'd never imagined another person with whom to ache his way through this, to wrench his way through unfortunate angles and terrible trajectory.
when he surfaces, it's sooner rather than later. his lower lip throbs with an oncoming bruise, but the fabled lightness that throws itself through one's being after the first dare of a kiss is decidedly capsized by the absolute lurch of his own breath in his chest. like the flaring of sparklers, the burst of inazuman candles, he feels the overwhelming scent of kaeya more than he fills himself with it.
he's too close to capture his expression clearly, but he doesn't have to know the full of it to understand that his eyes are as wide and dark as his own are. his skin burns a solid line against the cut of kaeya's jaw, his hand (how did it end up there?) trembling so fiercely that it's a wonder he's managed to keep cradling his face at all. ]
Kae, you've always had it, [ he says, sudden as the way he realizes the dark of kaeya's lashes, the way his body feels beneath his. there's a desperate edge to the way the words flood through him, cut over the banks of his teeth. they inundate any hope from reprieve, for the silence of his of own hands and heart and mouth. startled in his own right, a bird shot down in flight, the wounded wing he drags about is the insurmountable weight of his affections. finally freed as an arrow, the injury he bears holds no other recourse — he bleeds with it. ] My attention, my interest— [ he grasps at anything along kaeya's side, comes up with the linen of his own stolen shirt. he hooks two fingers into it, balls it tightly in the shelter of his fist. ] All of it.
[ how could it have ever been otherwise? ]
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they've lived in each other's skins too long for kaeya to remain blind to the intent behind diluc's movements, the crimson bloom of his cheeks, the blaze of resolve in his half-lidded eyes. this has happened once before after all, deja vu hitting him with all the subtlety of a brick - and even as diluc begins leaning in, the glow from the afternoon sun seems to soften his face into a younger and more innocent visage, the years between blurring between present and past.
kaeya had stopped him back then. seventeen and already (always) wiser or perhaps just more cynical than his age, he'd known the aborted affection for the mistake it would have been. the young master ragnvindr, romantic to a fault, who held vows of courtship and wedlock with more sanctity than towards his own god, deserved far better than giving away his first to a snake in the grass in some fumbling of misread teenage infatuation. nothing between them could ever have been genuine after all, not when one of them was little more than a mirror reflecting a false image to distract from the lies buried underneath, and so he'd deflected and demurred and laughed off the attempt in a display of oblivious rather than rejection. and after...well, after, diluc had never brought it up again, and kaeya had placed the memory high up on his shelf of inconsequential events to be forgotten - no doubt it had been a lapse of judgment made in drink, or a desire to quell a curiosity with the one person in his life deemed safe.
except here, five years and a lifetime later, there is no alcohol, no melody of violins trickling to a veranda of flowers under a moonlit night sky, no starry-eyed idealism from a boy who has never known the bitter taste of betrayal. time and the harshness of reality has peeled away the patina of kaeya's painstakingly painted pretense, and diluc now beholds him for who he truly is: a liar, a deceiver, a shamble of falsities and insecurities and sins barely held together by a porcelain smile. a cursed creature incapable of loving anyone or anything right without destroying them both in the process, and yet--
and yet even so, he still--
it should feel like a thunderclap when diluc's mouth finally brushes his own. it should feel like the world shaking apart and remaking itself anew, but everything suddenly seems so distant. the only thing kaeya can think, half hysterically, is that diluc's lips are chapped. of course they are, pyro heat and a habit of nervous chewing means the delicate skin there must be drier than the sumeru desert, and of course he's never cared about beauty maintenence in his life no matter how often kaeya complains....
the kiss is over before it barely begins. he blinks up dazedly. ]
...I knew you weren't using the balm I gave you.
[ his voice sounds tinny and far away, barely audible over the rushing of blood in his ears. dimly, he notes that his breathing's picked up as if he's run across the town and back, his lungs expanding and contracting at a speed and volume that ought to make his ribs ache - though he can't feel them anyway underneath the icy numbness that is now creeping over his entire body, weighing his limbs down in paralysis.
it's all he ever wanted. diluc's attention, his interest, his regard, his affection - from the moment their eyes met that fateful rainy night, he had already taken one foot down this inevitable path that would lead him turning his back on his entire people just for a glimpse of sunshine in shape of this man's smile. all his provocations, all his refusal to let the past die, all to dig himself so deep under diluc's skin that to pry him out would be to kill them both...and yet there is no triumph singing sweetly through his veins at having gotten everything his heart has ever desired. there is only dread.
because what has he ever given diluc in return for sunlight and warmth and true north? only the rain, and the biting frost of betrayal, and the utter ruin of the map of his life. ]
Di, I don't....
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