[ the heat from diluc's palms lingers on his hands long after he pulls away, burning like a benediction. almost instinctively, he lets slip a coin from his sleeve into his palm, running it through his fingers over and over again in hopes of the cool metal leeching away the flame - a nervous habit long ingrained since childhood, an effort to channel the urge to run and bite and claw into harmless motion.
of course he knows that diluc cares for him. even at their lowest, even in the deepest mires of his self-loathing when his closest companions had been a drink in one hand and a pyro vision in the other, that had never been in doubt. diluc cares for near everyone he comes across who isn't an outright monster, after all; his kindness has always blazed like a bonfire, unquelled still even after the raging storms of tragedy and betrayal swept through his life. and hasn't kaeya been taking advantage of that very same kindness since the moment they met? too clever by half even as a child, he'd recognized that desperate need to be of service and fashioned himself into the perfect companion to take shelter, parasitic tendrils latching on tight until they'd grown too much into each other to ever be separated. whatever this - this nameless all-encompassing thing that is between them, dilucandkaeya kaeyaanddiluc, he knows it's become far too uncontrollable a monster to be sent back cowering into the dark.
still, he's not going to go about making the mistake of thinking it matters. not again. diluc would lay down his life for just about anyone in mondstadt. it stings a bit, realizing he's no different - that for all of diluc's pretty words about his value, it still wasn't enough to put pause on his determination to martyr himself. ]
My apologies, but I fail to see how choosing to die does anything for me. [ and perhaps he's being a tad hypocritical here - he's fully aware that were the roles reversed, there would have been no limits to the things he would have done to keep diluc safe. but his death and diluc's death are two entirely different matters as far as he's concerned, and besides, a reckless plan that has a great chance of getting him killed is nowhere near the same as passively going to his own death like a cow walking into a slaughterhouse. ] Are you sure it's my value you're holding so highly, and not your own lust for vengeance? Because I don't recall ever asking for you to fight my battles for me.
[ another cruel barb, but truer than the rest. of course he would very much like to find out who did this to him, but he would never ask that of diluc - nor would he ask for promises of retribution or protection or sacrifice. there's only been one thing he's ever wanted from diluc, after all, and that's the promise to stay.
[ he knows the words won't matter. he knows the actions will. but, still, how many times must he prove to him that all he's ever wanted was to stay? that he should have never once believed him that he would be fine those four, long years without him? lit from within, he'd suffocated on the fumes of his own ire. he'd choked on the absolutes and somedays and maybes, the world upended and all that was left at the center was him. it was always him. it'd always been him, since the moment he'd arrived on his doorstep — the moment diluc had stumbled out from his quarters, bleary-eyed, to see who his father had brought home.
it never changed, he thinks. no matter how many doors he'd stepped through then and thereafter, he'd always hoped to see kaeya on the other side. even at his angriest, even when kaeya had come to him in hopes to be ousted, he'd always been willingly cast into his orbit. diluc and kaeya and kaeya and diluc, the inexorable and intractable gravity that would surely tear them apart.
let me, he thinks. and sweeter, softer: please. how could it ever be considered a burden, a plague upon his so-called kindness, when all he wished for was him? ]
You're right. [ diluc tells him after a long moment, words coming like a slow thaw. he'd never been good at expressing himself. not like this. he struggles even now with the words he wants to find, the emotions he wants to put face to. all of his life, he was most fluent in the way his body could convey what he wanted. what he needed. what he wanted to give. even now, against any better judgement, he takes the opening.
stepping back into kaeya's orbit, he takes what kaeya gives. it isn't the worst he's ever received from kaeya. he doubts it will be the last of it. and yet, he can't find it in himself to care. he would gladly bear a thousand lashes if it meant being able to calm the way of his fidgeting. he telegraphs, careful movements, with the curl of his fingers over his.
it's okay.
i have you. ] I was foolish.
[ he won't contest that. he learns as he always does, pays as he often will: dearly.
it doesn't mean he'll turn his eyes away. it doesn't mean he won't tell him as many times as he needs. it doesn't mean he won't show him as many times as he needs that he — ]
But, back then, I thought to myself: What if, next time, you didn't come back? What if I wasn't able to argue with you about this? To say any of this? What good would anything do you, if you weren't here? [ what good would it do either of them? there is no him without kaeya. there is nothing of the person that he was, is. ] You know this path as well as I do. [ and softer, firmly: ] I know you do.
[ if he doesn't continue now, he knows the words will never come again. not like this. and so, he speaks and doesn't stem the way they trip over the banks of his teeth, forced up from the dark of his chest. ]
Of course I wanted vengeance, but it wasn't about me. It wasn't about anyone else. [ he takes a breath. it aches against the raw of his ribs, the way he won't let kaeya run. ] It was about you. [ i love you. ] It's always been about you.
[ he tells himself his fingers don't tremble with the force of his grip, with the way his body burns itself against the flames of his own convictions. he tells himself many things, but most of all — ]
So, forgive me, for thinking that I was fighting alongside you without ever stopping to ask. [ i love you. ] But, I refuse to apologize for believing your life has value. That yours weighs no less than mine. [ i love you. ] It's never meant less. [ i love you. ] Not to me.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
of course he knows that diluc cares for him. even at their lowest, even in the deepest mires of his self-loathing when his closest companions had been a drink in one hand and a pyro vision in the other, that had never been in doubt. diluc cares for near everyone he comes across who isn't an outright monster, after all; his kindness has always blazed like a bonfire, unquelled still even after the raging storms of tragedy and betrayal swept through his life. and hasn't kaeya been taking advantage of that very same kindness since the moment they met? too clever by half even as a child, he'd recognized that desperate need to be of service and fashioned himself into the perfect companion to take shelter, parasitic tendrils latching on tight until they'd grown too much into each other to ever be separated. whatever this - this nameless all-encompassing thing that is between them, dilucandkaeya kaeyaanddiluc, he knows it's become far too uncontrollable a monster to be sent back cowering into the dark.
still, he's not going to go about making the mistake of thinking it matters. not again. diluc would lay down his life for just about anyone in mondstadt. it stings a bit, realizing he's no different - that for all of diluc's pretty words about his value, it still wasn't enough to put pause on his determination to martyr himself. ]
My apologies, but I fail to see how choosing to die does anything for me. [ and perhaps he's being a tad hypocritical here - he's fully aware that were the roles reversed, there would have been no limits to the things he would have done to keep diluc safe. but his death and diluc's death are two entirely different matters as far as he's concerned, and besides, a reckless plan that has a great chance of getting him killed is nowhere near the same as passively going to his own death like a cow walking into a slaughterhouse. ] Are you sure it's my value you're holding so highly, and not your own lust for vengeance? Because I don't recall ever asking for you to fight my battles for me.
[ another cruel barb, but truer than the rest. of course he would very much like to find out who did this to him, but he would never ask that of diluc - nor would he ask for promises of retribution or protection or sacrifice. there's only been one thing he's ever wanted from diluc, after all, and that's the promise to stay.
more fool him, for hoping he would ever listen. ]
no subject
it never changed, he thinks. no matter how many doors he'd stepped through then and thereafter, he'd always hoped to see kaeya on the other side. even at his angriest, even when kaeya had come to him in hopes to be ousted, he'd always been willingly cast into his orbit. diluc and kaeya and kaeya and diluc, the inexorable and intractable gravity that would surely tear them apart.
let me, he thinks. and sweeter, softer: please. how could it ever be considered a burden, a plague upon his so-called kindness, when all he wished for was him? ]
You're right. [ diluc tells him after a long moment, words coming like a slow thaw. he'd never been good at expressing himself. not like this. he struggles even now with the words he wants to find, the emotions he wants to put face to. all of his life, he was most fluent in the way his body could convey what he wanted. what he needed. what he wanted to give. even now, against any better judgement, he takes the opening.
stepping back into kaeya's orbit, he takes what kaeya gives. it isn't the worst he's ever received from kaeya. he doubts it will be the last of it. and yet, he can't find it in himself to care. he would gladly bear a thousand lashes if it meant being able to calm the way of his fidgeting. he telegraphs, careful movements, with the curl of his fingers over his.
it's okay.
i have you. ] I was foolish.
[ he won't contest that. he learns as he always does, pays as he often will: dearly.
it doesn't mean he'll turn his eyes away. it doesn't mean he won't tell him as many times as he needs. it doesn't mean he won't show him as many times as he needs that he — ]
But, back then, I thought to myself: What if, next time, you didn't come back? What if I wasn't able to argue with you about this? To say any of this? What good would anything do you, if you weren't here? [ what good would it do either of them? there is no him without kaeya. there is nothing of the person that he was, is. ] You know this path as well as I do. [ and softer, firmly: ] I know you do.
[ if he doesn't continue now, he knows the words will never come again. not like this. and so, he speaks and doesn't stem the way they trip over the banks of his teeth, forced up from the dark of his chest. ]
Of course I wanted vengeance, but it wasn't about me. It wasn't about anyone else. [ he takes a breath. it aches against the raw of his ribs, the way he won't let kaeya run. ] It was about you. [ i love you. ] It's always been about you.
[ he tells himself his fingers don't tremble with the force of his grip, with the way his body burns itself against the flames of his own convictions. he tells himself many things, but most of all — ]
So, forgive me, for thinking that I was fighting alongside you without ever stopping to ask. [ i love you. ] But, I refuse to apologize for believing your life has value. That yours weighs no less than mine. [ i love you. ] It's never meant less. [ i love you. ] Not to me.
[ never to me. ]